dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
