Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
