Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
