Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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