Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
