You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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