Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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