I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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