Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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