How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
