you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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