Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
