You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
