I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
