she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
