You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
