i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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