i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
