Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
