uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
