Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
