why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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