I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
