The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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