I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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