Define "chronic" masturbator.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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