For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
