Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
