she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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