ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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