I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Randomize
