a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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