I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
