Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
