i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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