i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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