I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
