Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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