genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
well you can't waste a boner
what day is it and did you see me today?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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