I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
