Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
