That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
