I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
