He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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