if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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