How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
