I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
