My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
