I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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