I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
