I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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