Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
