i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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