I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
two words: eviction party
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
