Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Everyone says I win the strip club
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
