why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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