Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
