its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
