so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
