the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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