He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
