Who wears a wallet chain?!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
