Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
