all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
