cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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